Don't Sniff the Markers
by blueliath
Summary: What if Vash is really a girl? If you hate this or like it please review anyway. Thanks. : Complete. Total crack!fic.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun, and you wouldn't like it if I did. :)  
  
Don't Sniff the Markers. . .(Too Much or You'll End Up Like Vash the Stampede)  
  
By BlueLiath  
  
Prologue:  
  
"So, what did you think of my story? Was it funny?" She asked her younger sister.  
  
"Well yeah, of course I thought it was funny. Will you explain the ending to me again?"  
  
"No!" She smiles and sighs. "Oh, okay, you see Vash wasn't really. . .and so. . .does it make sense now?"  
  
"Can you tell me how Vash. . .again?"  
  
"Ugh. . .just go read the dang story-I explain it all in there."  
  
"But, what about the title?" Her sister protests loudly.  
  
"Well, you know how I liked to sniff the markers 'cause I liked the way they smelled?"  
  
Her sister giggles in answer.  
  
"Well, that was before I knew you could get brain damage from stuff like that. . ."  
  
Her sister giggles again.  
  
"So one of the times I was sniffing one of those sharpies, well, a few actually, and I had like. . .too much, I guess and I passed out and had this crazy dream about Vash and stuff. . ."  
  
"Wow, are you pulling my leg?"  
  
"Heck no! Just go read the story again, dang it!'  
  
"Oh, alright," She giggles as she departs.  
  
Chapter One  
  
Vash Enters. . .  
  
Meryl sighed and glanced over at Vash. She'd only known him for about a month, but somehow he'd managed to insinuate himself into her every thought. Why should she be surprised that he was doing it in person?  
  
She'd come out of her room for a quick snack downstairs in the hotel bar and dining room, and lo and behold, there came Mr. Vash the Stampede yelling loudly about-  
  
"Hey, Insurance Girl! Do you wanna drink with me?" he was waving about a beer mug in his gangly way. When she tried to pretend she hadn't heard him-which was near impossible considering how loud he was-he just collapsed himself into a chair at her table, anyway, without her permission.  
  
"Vash. . ." She began in the most annoyed voice she could muster. "You're going to call attention to yourself."  
  
Vash leaned his face close up to hers scrunching it up as if he were thinking extremely hard. The breath on her face was 100% alcohol.  
  
Meryl waved a hand in front of her nose. "Vash, watch where you're breathing. . ."  
  
He laughed nervously and slurred, "Oh, no, no, I don't want attention. I've had enough of /that/ lately."  
  
Meryl could vouch for those words. One mishap after another seemed to follow at Vash the Stampede's heels. No wonder he was called the "Humanoid Typhoon". . .  
  
Which reminded her. . . "Vash!" She pushed him away from her. Meryl breathed in the fresh, sweet. . .stale. . .smoky saloon air.  
  
/Much better/, she thought sarcastically.  
  
After a moment, she came to herself and wondered where Vash had disappeared to. (Not that she cared.) It was just a little strange. One second he was there the next he wasn't. It took her a second before she realized he was floundering around on the floor.  
  
"Vash, you idiot!" She growled at him.  
  
"But I'm hu-urt!" He whined from his awkward position.  
  
Meryl grumbled to herself about 'Idiot Typhoons' and decided to be kind, for once, and help him to his feet.  
  
She knelt down and tried to lift him up, draping his arm over her shoulder.  
  
/Now, lift from the knees,/ she reminded herself.  
  
She was going to just dump him in the chair when he said seriously, "Hey, can you take me to my room, please?"  
  
"Oh, okay. . ." Meryl answered, a bit bewildered by his quick change in mood.  
  
She walked with him to his room upstairs, the whole time blushing because of their close position. . .  
  
She opened his door for him and led him inside, dumped him on his bed, and turned to escape the never-ending embarrassment.  
  
"Wait. . ." he called after her, and she turned.  
  
His aqua eyes were fixed on her and they had a strange look to them almost as if he were very sad about something. . .  
  
"I need to use the bathroom. . ."  
  
Meryl fell over and recovered with an evil disposition. She knocked him on his broom-head and exclaimed, "You idiot, I'm not going to take you to the bathroom!"  
  
"Owww!" He protested, covering his head. "I /really/ need he- elp!"  
  
/He needs help, all right./ Meryl thought sarcastically, however, she sighed and gave in once more. She helped the 'notorious criminal' off of his bed and to the bathroom connected to his room.  
  
Then they were in the bathroom. . .Meryl began blushing again.  
  
"Look Vash, you can take it on your own, from here."  
  
"No-o! Don't leave me! I can't get out of this on my o-w-n!" He said, referring to his insane outfit.  
  
"Oh, God," Meryl plead. "I am /not/ helping you undress. . ." She blushed profusely. "Doesn't it just have a zipper?"  
  
Vash grimaced. "I don't /know/!" He was in panicked tears and very extremely drunk. Meryl swallowed-even if it /did/ have a zipper he was too 'bombed' to know where it was. . .  
  
So /Meryl/ would have to look. . .  
  
"Oh, God," She said a second time. Maybe she was hoping He would hear her prayer and spare her from this humiliation.  
  
Meryl began searching for a zipper and not being able to find one-partially because Vash was squirming so much, and partially because the under suit was so dark-she began to take the big red coat off of him.  
  
"Hahahaha. . .that /tickles/!" Vash exclaimed and tried to wriggle away.  
  
"Hold still, you nut!" Meryl commanded as she struggled to undress him.  
  
After many fumbling movements, she managed to remove the top part of his outfit. /Now on to that black fashion flop/ she encouraged herself.  
  
Finally she found the 'opening' and. . .  
  
Off came the pants and Meryl could hardly believe what she was doing. . . then down came the underpants and. . .  
  
The shock of it numbed her mind. . .  
  
"Oh. . ." /my God!/ She ran from the bathroom and all the way down the hall to Milly's and her room. She burst in and slammed the door behind her. She stood against it, hyperventilating slightly.  
  
"Meryl?" Milly asked, sitting up in bed.  
  
"Vash is a woman!" Meryl exclaimed.  
  
Milly's eyes got all round. "What?" She asked, then she said, "Are you drunk, Meryl?"  
  
"Oh, heck no!" Meryl said. "No, there's no way I'm drunk. . .I s-saw with my own eyes. . .he-she? Needed help using the bathroom because /he/ was drunk, and I was actually being ni-ice, Milly, and then. . .then. . ." Meryl stared into space in mute horror.  
  
"Oh, Meryl, this sounds weird. . ." Milly said. "How can Mr. Vash be a woman?"  
  
Meryl swallowed. "He just is . . ." Suddenly she burst into tears and Milly went to comfort her.  
  
*********  
  
Hey this is an author note: Okay, yes, I'm sure you all think I'm crazy for even thinking this, but I thought it was possible that I might be able to get away with it cause Trigun is kind of a crazy show in the first place. But tell me what you think, if no one likes this idea then I will just trash it with no hard feelings. :) -BlueLiath. 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Vash, Meryl, and Milly don't belong to me. Neither does Trigun.  
  
A/N: I had this already written, I hope maybe it makes it a little more clear. . .or maybe just a little more funny. :)  
  
*************  
  
Vash awakened the next morning with the worst hangover he'd ever experienced. Finally he decided it was safe to open his eyes. The light pierced his aching skull, but his eyes finally adjusted.  
  
He moaned a little and sat up. . .and saw that he was only partially dressed.  
  
"Oh, jeez. . .what the heck?" He asked himself. A memory of Meryl helping him out of his coat flashed through his hangover-fuddled mind.  
  
"Oh. . .jeez. . ."  
  
Vash took a time out from his predicament to throw up in the toilet.  
  
"I'm so screwed. . ." He said after he'd finished the universal "hangover ritual".  
  
/Now she knows I'm a girl. . .what am I gonna do? What if she tells?/ He asked himself desperately as he took care of other needs then painstakingly redressed himself.  
  
It had taken him so long to perfect his disguise, and even longer to start believing it himself. (But then, he'd always had the time.) He didn't want that all to be thrown away because of some stupid, drunken mistake.  
  
No one else could know that Vash the Stampede was really a woman. He was already wanted enough as it was. . .  
  
Vash gathered himself together as much as he could and headed out to Meryl and Milly's room.  
  
Hesitantly, he knocked on their door. He could hear the sounds of some quick scrambling going on inside and then. . .  
  
Meryl opened the door and looked up at him with narrowed blue eyes.  
  
"Ahahahe. . ." Vash said. "Uhm, I guess I need to talk to you about something."  
  
"I guess you could say that," Meryl said dryly and hesitantly came out of her room.  
  
Vash stepped back a little and rubbed the back of his neck nervously, not knowing where to start.  
  
Suddenly, Meryl punched his arm and yelled, "How the heck can you be a woman?"  
  
"Ouch." Vash rubbed his arm and answered, "I just /am/. I mean, I was born like that. . ."  
  
Meryl placed her hands on her hips and said, "Well, I would /assume/ that, but what I'm wondering is how you could look so much like a man and then underneath. . ." She trailed off and shuddered.  
  
Vash was silent and then suddenly Meryl burst out again, "And you're so tall! And where are your breasts? I can't see any. . .!" She was nearly hysterical, and Vash refrained from covering his ears.  
  
"I'm wearing leather. . .it's very tight. . .and sliming. . .and just look at Milly!" He protested.  
  
Meryl crossed her arms over her chest and looked at him in dubious accusation. "This is too much. . ." she said in a long-suffering tone. "And what about your voice? It gets pretty high, sometimes, but you still sound like a /guy/!"  
  
Vash blinked and stood mutely for a moment. She had a point there. So. . .he cleared his throat and said in the voice he was born with---"So, how's this?"  
  
Meryl's eyes practically bulged out of their sockets and she fell backwards and hit the floor with a clunk.  
  
"Hey?" He asked in the voice she was used to. "Are you okay?"  
  
Meryl sprang back to her feet and shook her fist at him. "And why do you chase women, huh?" She demanded.  
  
Vash laughed in embarrassment and said honestly, "Haven't you noticed, I only do that when I'm in public?"  
  
"A normal time would be in private. . ." Meryl said with sarcasm then realized what he was saying. "Oh. . ." He was doing that to throw people off. . .  
  
Meryl blushed and realized he'd never once made a move on her or Milly. Suddenly, all the little things began to pop up in her mind, and it began to make a little sense.  
  
Vash and Meryl were startled by a crashing noise originating from the door. They turned to see Milly standing there looking frazzled.  
  
"Oh, heehee. . .Sorry Mr. Vash and Meryl. I was eavesdropping. . ." she laughed again and beamed a shameless smile at them.  
  
Meryl and Vash merely blinked at her and then she said, "Oh, I mean 'Ms. Vash'. . ."  
  
Vash grimaced, "No, no, no, don't tell anyone---that's why I came to talk to Meryl---I want you to promise not to ever tell a soul." He waved his hands around in front of him in a panicked way.  
  
Meryl frowned. "Why should I?"  
  
"Mer-yl!" He whined pleadingly. "If you tell, I won't just be the most wanted criminal---I'll be the most wanted /woman/!"  
  
At that, Meryl burst out laughing, "This is just too much! You---You're not even /pretty/ as a woman."  
  
Vash began to pout. "You're so cruel. . ." He muttered.  
  
Meryl continued to chuckle then took a deep breath and let it out. She shook her head. "Alright, I promise not to tell 'a soul', okay? Are you happy?"  
  
Vash began to smile happily and threw his arms around her.  
  
"Unh!" She exclaimed.  
  
"Oh, thank yo-u!"  
  
". . ." ---Meryl.  
  
Milly said all of a sudden, "Now I can see it."  
  
Meryl heaved a frustrated sigh and knocked Vash on the head.  
  
He fell to the ground in a crumpled heap.  
  
". . ." ---Vash.  
  
Meryl shook her head. "Now we have to watch him even closer to make sure he doesn't get into any /other/ kind of trouble."  
  
Milly looked blank, and Vash moaned from his position on the floor.  
  
Meryl sighed. "Why me?"  
  
**********  
  
Author's Note: Okay, so that's really all I have. Please tell me what you think, or I probably won't write more. Thanks for reading. ---BlueLiath. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I know it's been a super long time, I'm sooo sorry! Not really. :) But here's another chapter. I hope you enjoy. B.Liath  
  
Disclaimer: BlueLiath no own Trigun. Blueliath wish she did. . .waa!  
  
~~~~~~~~~  
  
Chapter Three: Don't Sniff the Markers  
  
Meryl just couldn't understand how Vash could drink himself senseless the night before and then not show any signs of a hangover the next day. It was really irritating her. Milly seemed to be enjoying herself though. It seemed as if ever since they'd found out Vash was a woman, that Milly liked 'him' even more than she already had. Meryl, on the other hand, was not even slightly amused.  
  
After Vash's explanation, they had gone down to eat breakfast. That's where they were. Milly was talking to Vash about her brothers and sisters, and Vash was nodding his head with that vacant, goofy smile on his face. 'How can he smile like that, anyway?' Meryl wondered. 'His eyes squint up so much they're almost closed. That can't be a real smile.' It made her wonder if Vash was ever truly happy. No, someone who drank couldn't be really happy. Drinking was a way to escape from your problems.  
  
But then, why was Vash so sad? And what was he trying to escape. She knew he had a past. It was extremely mysterious. He never talked about himself, where he came from or anything. . .and now this! Vash—a woman!  
  
Meryl finished her last bite of scrambled eggs and washed it down with a gulp of orange juice. She gave her two silly friends a scathing look and then dabbed at her lip with a napkin.  
  
"Meryl, is something wrong?" Milly asked her cheerfully.  
  
Meryl said irritably, "No."  
  
"Maybe it's that time of month," Milly whispered to Vash, who laughed nervously and began to blush.  
  
"Milly!" Meryl protested. She knew Vash was a woman, but she just wasn't /that/ used to it, yet.  
  
"What?" Milly asked, with a clueless expression. Vash hid behind his tumbler of orange juice.  
  
Meryl asked in exasperation, "Why do I even try?" Again, God was silent on the issue.  
  
Just then, a ruckus broke out at a table where two men were playing a game of chess. One of them was a man with lanky black hair and up-tilted blue eyes. He had a bit of stubble on his chin, and he was dressed in a black suit. A disreputable looking cigarette hung from between his lips. Next to him, propped against a chair, was a huge cross-shaped object covered in a white cloth that was tied to it with leather straps.  
  
The other man was shouting angrily at him, "You cheater! You moved my piece!" He stood to his feet and shook his fist threateningly. His chair toppled over and more people turned to see what was going on.  
  
The black-suited man said calmly, "I'm sure you're mistaken. Do you really think a priest would try to cheat you?"  
  
"Maybe you aren't really a priest!" The guy yelled and drew a gun.  
  
Milly gasped and said, "Mr. Vash, do something. That man is going to kill that priest."  
  
"What priest?" Meryl heard Vash mumble sarcastically under his breath. But to Milly he said, "Aww, why? I don't want to get in a fight, right now!"  
  
Meryl saw the 'priest' reaching for that cross thing, but just as he was beginning to pull away a strap, Vash stood up and called to the offended chess player.  
  
"Hey mister, I'll pay you back the money you lost," he said with a big smile.  
  
The 'priest's' hand dropped away from the cross and he looked at Vash in surprise. The whole room seemed to be staring at them. Meryl was leaning so far forward in her chair that she nearly toppled off.  
  
The chess player answered Vash, "Nevermind. . ." he put away his gun and looked at the 'priest' with a disgusted expression, then stalked out of the bar.  
  
Meryl sighed as Vash began to return to their table. But she heard Milly say, "Hey, the priest is coming over here!"  
  
Both Meryl and Vash looked to see the man walking toward them, carrying that cross. When he reached them, he said to Vash, "Hey, thanks for doing that! How can I repay you?"  
  
Vash rubbed the back of his head nervously, "It was no big deal." He gave an edgy laugh, and the man sat down with them.  
  
"Are you really a priest?" Milly asked.  
  
"Of course I am," The man smiled a smile so similar to Vash's that Meryl felt like giving a double take. "My name's Nicolas D. Wolfwood. I'm a traveling priest." From nowhere he pulled out a miniature church and deposited it on Milly's head. "Would you like to make a confession? It's ten cents," He added with the flourish of a car salesman.  
  
Meryl and Vash toppled out of their seats and Milly giggled from beneath the confessional. "No thanks, mister Priest." Wolfwood removed the church from Milly's head.  
  
Meryl said skeptically, "I thought priests stayed in their churches."  
  
"Well, you see," Wolfwood said. "I run an orphanage, and this is the only way I have of raising money."  
  
"How kind!" Milly exclaimed. Meryl saw a funny expression pass over Vash's face. She wondered what it could mean.  
  
"Would you like to travel with us, Mr. Wolfwood?" Milly was questioning, too late for Meryl to stop her. Vash was looking horrified now.  
  
"Well, if you don't mind?" Wolfwood said with a smile while he rubbed his neck nervously.  
  
Again, before Meryl could say anything, Milly exclaimed, "Of course not!"  
  
Meryl moaned. "Why me?" She asked for what seemed liked the hundredth time. "Why?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: Hey! So, it wasn't very good, and I still don't know where I want this story to go, but I hope you enjoyed it, and please review. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Blueliath. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I thought you all deserved to know that the prologue at the beginning was, of course, complete bull crap. I'm not sure why I put it in there. I must have had a reason at the time, but right now it slips my mind. (Too much marker sniffing, I guess.) Blueliath.

Don't Sniff the Markers: Chapter 4

Vash was annoyed. Not with anyone in particular, or really /anything/. He was just annoyed. Actually, maybe he was a bit annoyed with Milly. He just didn't want to admit it. Being angry with people made him upset. It made him feel wrong inside, like he had done something bad, or something.

Like the way he felt about Knives. Why did he have to hate his brother so much? It wasn't just the stuff he had done. Not just the stuff he'd done to other people. Of course he'd killed Rem. Of course that hurt Vash, but that wasn't why he hated his brother so much. It was because Knives had never cared about anyone but Knives. He had done the selfish thing, and in the process he'd lost Vash's love. But that wasn't right, was it? Vash knew that he still loved his brother. He just couldn't always remember that because of the anger and bitterness. . .

Vash blinked. 'Why am I thinking about him now?' That was it. . .that feeling he was getting. He was trying not to be irritated with Milly for inviting Wolfwood along with them. 'Why did she have to go and do that?' He knew that Wolfwood couldn't be trusted. No one who looked that scruffy and disreputable could. Wolfwood was up to something. And whatever it was probably had something to do with Knives. 'Dang him.' Vash thought. Why couldn't he ever get away from his brother?

"So, where are we going to stay tonight?" Milly questioned.

Meryl responded, "Probably back at the inn. Milly, you know that." She sounded irritated.

Wolfwood lit his cigarette and asked super-casually, "Aren't you the famous double-billion dollar ma--aa!" He'd stopped on a high-note because Vash had decided he'd had quite enough of that, and had pinched the alleged priest's arm. "Ouch," Wolfwood said, rubbing his arm, "Why'd you go and do that?"

"Shh," Vash rebuked, unrepentantly, "Keep it down! That's info I don't want the whole world hearing, you know?"

"So, it's true?" Wolfwood questioned with a raised brow. "You know, for a big-bad criminal, you seem a little ill-equipped."

Vash gaped, thinking for a frantic second that somehow Wolfwood had found out what he was, and that "ill-equipped" was some sort of inneundo, when he realized what Wolfwood /really/ meant. "Hey! I have a gun! Look!" He whipped out the six-shooter, and twirled it fancily on his index finger."

"Oh, nice, nice," Wolfwood said approvingly. "But what I really meant was--" Vash nearly died. "--that you're a little doofy and... what's with the costume? I mean, how can you even run in that?"

"Jerk," Vash muttered, feeling his heart resume its beating once again. "There're pants under this coat, and have you noticed the slits? It's actually quite sensible..." He began to ramble, "I mean, it keeps me warm on those cold nights, and the leather keeps me from the worst of those nasty bullet nicks... That is, when I can't dodge fast enough, which is hardly ever... Unless I'm already wounded, which doesn't really happen that oft--"

"Enough, already!" Wolfwood protested. "I get it... You have a gun, that silly get-up is actually quite sensible, yada-yada. Are you planning to sign up for the gun-slinging contest tomorrow?"

"And why would I do that?" Vash grumbled, pushing through the inn door and waiting inside for Meryl and the rest to enter, too.

"Well, I figure you probably need the cash, am I right?"

Vash, stunned, froze to the spot with thoughts racing. 'Money? There's a cash prize? Hmmm...' On second thought, 'No you idiot! That would /really/ draw attention to you! But the money...' he bemoaned. Aloud, he answered glumly, "Not interested."

Wolfwood "mmmed" disapprovingly, while Meryl went to discuss their accommodations with the inn-keeper. "What if I were to tell you that it could help a young boy, and his mother, pay their bills?"

"Wha'?" Vash uttered half-coherently. He narrowed sea-green eyes and demanded, "And why should I believe you? This is probably just some sort of scheme of yours to get the cash for yourself!"

Wolfwood held up his hands, dark-blue eyes ingenuously wide, "Not me," he protested. "I'm a priest, remember? I help the poor and needy for a living..." Under his breath he corrected himself, "Well, not really for a living, since I can't say that anyone pays me..."

"Right," Vash interrupted, "I'd like to meet them... just tomorrow," he added with a groan, stretching his arms up in the air and yawning. "I'm through for the night... With everything."

"That's fine with me," Wolfwood agreed as Meryl and Milly returned to their sides.

"I managed to get two rooms," Meryl said, she looked toward Vash and he could see the wariness in her blue-eyes, "So that means, you and Wolfwood can sure one, and I'll share the other with Milly."

Vash kept himself from cringing, laughed nervously and told her, "That's fine..." and she handed him their key. As Wolfwood headed up the stairs, she whispered in his ear, "I'm real sorry, Vash, but I couldn't see any other way around it."

"Don't worry about it, Meryl," he said, smiling at her wanly. She blinked with surprise, and he questioned, "What is it?" while following Milly and Wolfwood up the staircase.

"It's just...," she said, eyes a bit wide and thoughtful. "That's the first time you called me by name."

"Oh..." Vash rubbed the back of his neck and followed after Meryl. Was he really /that/ distant with her? Of course he was! Her and everyone else on the planet... It was just that... He would be around for a long, long time... and everyone else would just wither away like grass... 'Just like mayflies--humans...,' he thought despondently. 'How can I get close when in a day or two, they'll all be gone?'

A/N: I have to apologize to everyone who's actually read this and anxiously awaited an update. I'm a really /terrible/ procrastinator. Sigh. But I hope this update will help you to forgive me. ::puppy-dog eyes::

A general thanks to all these reviewers (who reviewed most recently...don't want to offend anyone when they realize they've been left out):

Also, sorry for not responding to comments or questions this time.

DireSwine, Sephiroth1Ripley8, catlover55, monkira, Lady Missymia, Curious Koneko, Cathowl, Luna-Kitsune-Blu, LegacyRBluesummers, and TaupeRock.

--Blueliath.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author Note: **Okay, I'm starting with an apology, because this is the last chapter, and it's a big copout. I know it--that's why I'm apologizing, but I'm not going to write more. In fact, I'm trying to finish up everything I've left unfinished because I'll be leaving for a long trip soon, and I won't be able to write for a long while. So... I'm trying to finish as much stuff as possible. But I hope you all forgive me, and enjoy this last chp. **P.S. It's got some major spoilers for the last episode of Trigun**. _Blueliath_

**Don't Sniff the Markers: Chapter Five  
**

**Intermission:**

"You are _not_ serious about this!" Her sister exclaims.

Blink-blink. "Er, serious about what?" Her sister waves some copy paper around in her face, in full-scale hysterically outraged mode.

"Uhm," she says. "I still don't get it…"

"He's a girl!" her sister protests.

"Yeah, that was the markers talking not me…" she defends herself lamely.

"Uh, huh, and I'm Alexander the great! What are you planning to do about this…this…" she splutters and then finally gets out, "Is Vash seriously going to end up with Wolfwood?"

She looks innocently at her feet, and hems and haws for a bit. Her sister growls, "That is…is…just…I'm speechless, is all I'm going to say… You cannot possibly do that."

"Actually," she points out, "I've already _done_ whatever I did, 'cause if you didn't notice the story is finished, but you just haven't read it all yet…"

More spluttering ensues, and her sister finally chokes out, "I swear… If that is what happens, I will make you rewrite the story… I will make you rewrite it until your demented little fingers drop off from so much typing…" Evil eyes… (Scary, very scary…oooh).

She holds up her hands and says nervously, placatingly, "Hey, it's just a story… Calm. Down. Besides, whatever happens, there won't be any sex scenes, so what are you all worked up about?"

Her sister gives her that glaring daggers look from hell and threatens, "You have one last chance to change this before I read it, or _else_." She holds out the stack of papers to her older sister and raises a questioning brow.

"Just read it, already," she snaps. The younger sister shrugs. "Fine, okay, it's your funeral…" She giggles darkly and begins to wander away.

The older sister blinks, questions herself, 'She doesn't mean that, does she?' She scoffs and shakes her head. 'Of course she doesn't, what am I thinking?' Stares after her sister, biting her bottom lip in worried contemplation. 'Then again…' Her eyes widen and she lurches off of her seat.

"Hey, wait! I'll change it… Wait!" Her little sister laughs evilly, and ignores her.

_End of Intermission_

Vash eyed the two beds with nervous anticipation. He hadn't quite decided if he should trust Wolfwood yet… Actually, it was more like he'd decided _not_ to trust him yet. Which meant he was having trouble with the whole idea of sleeping in the same room with him, let alone closing his eyes around him. 'Gah… What should I do?'

Well, there was one option—distract the man until he just collapsed from lack of sleep… But what could he use to distract him with. 'Heh, it's more like: what options are left over when I've crossed out all the undesirable ones…?'

Well… that left—Getting him drunk! Yeah, that was it. Vash would just go down to the bar and get a bottle of something really, really strong and offer Wolfwood a drink of it in friendship. Add that to a game of cards, and he'd have the perfect recipe for getting the priest drunk enough to knock him out.

And _that_ would keep him out of Vash's hair for the rest of the night. 'Mmmhmm…sounds goo—Aaaaagh!" Vash jumped about ten feet in the air when someone politely, if spookily, tapped him on the shoulder. He landed facing the ghost or whoever it was, and saw Wolfwood looking at him quizzically.

"Man, you'd think I was a ghost by the way you act. I was wondering if you'd like some of this?" Wolfwood waggled his thick brows suggestively, and produced a bottle of gin from…somewhere.

Vash barely managed to keep from gaping. Or maybe he just _thought_ he did. 'What? Is he planning on doing the same thing _I_ was planning to do?' He wondered, his paranoia peaking drastically. 'Why does he want _me_ unconscious?' Vash blushed at the way that question sounded in his head.

"Hey, are you okay?" Wolfwood questioned, leaning his face closer to Vash's as if to get a better look. "You look kind of flushed…"

"Ah…heheheh…" Vash said, backing away, hopefully inconspicuously, and rubbing the back of his neck. "Perfectly fine. Sure, I'd like to have a drink, and why don't we play a game of cards too?"

Wolfwood grinned. "You're my kind of guy, Vash! Let's sit over here." He motioned toward the round table situated to the side of the room, and Vash followed him over to it and dropped into one of the chairs.

Meanwhile, his thoughts were racing with panic. 'Can I keep from getting drunk? Will he notice if I don't drink anything from my cup… Er, what if he doesn't use cups? Oh, no! No wait…then he might not notice… Would he? Crap, crap, crap, crap, cr—'

"Uhm, Vash, you keep getting this vacant look, are you sure you're okay?" Wolfwood inquired, producing a deck of cards from…where the heck did all that stuff come from?

"I'm fine…" Vash covered by taking a swig of the alcohol, this first one unfeigned. Wolfwood cut the deck of cards and shuffled them together, then dealt them out, and took the bottle from Vash and took a gulp from it.

"Ah, good stuff…" He cleared his throat and tossed Vash a devil-may-care grin.

Vash smiled back, a bit nervously, and took the bottle and his hand of cards. As he took another pull of the drink he thought, 'On second thought, maybe getting drunk would be a _good_ idea…'

A few minutes later, they were both so drunk they couldn't even see straight, and so they had to stop playing cards. As if they'd really been trying to, anyway... Now they had nothing left to do expect... talk.

Vash gulped and started to say something inane, but Wolfwood interrupted, "You know... I never had that great of a childhood..."

"Me neither," Vash said without thinking. "I mean, my brother was really violent."

"My foster father was a jerk-wad," Wolfwood said, nodding.

"Growing up sucks," Vash agreed.

"Yeah..." Wolfwood said quietly, his eyes focusing on Vash's. They were so blue, and Vash felt like he would fall into them and stay lost there forever. Instead Wolfwood said, "You know I changed my mind in the end, don't you?"

Vash woke up.

He thought maybe the nightmares would never go away, but he really needed to stop getting drunk so that he could fall asleep. He'd chosen this new way of life, but the change was apparently so dramatic that he would dream that things were back to normal. But there was always something terribly off inside the dreams that proved he wasn't adjusted to his circumstances yet.

Like this one... He could understand the ones where he dreamt about being a boy again, or that he'd never gotten his prosthetic arm, but a _woman_? Gah... Drinking was frying his brain cells.

"Vash?" It was Meryl, standing just inside his doorway, watching him with open concern.

He smiled at her sadly and sat up. "Yeah?"

"Another nightmare?" she asked, and he nodded.

The cat that always seemed to be around, skittered into the room and meowed at them. Vash let it hop onto his lap and stroked it from head to tail. It arched its back and purred... "You shouldn't drink this much," she told him. "It's not healthy."

"It's not like it'll kill me," he muttered sarcastically.

"I don't think you've forgiven Knives completely," Meryl said softly. "I think it's why you're having these nightmares."

Vash sighed and the cat jumped off his lap and vanished from the room. "What do you want me to do? Go talk to him?"

"Do I have to say it when you already did?" she wondered, on the verge of being caustic.

He muttered, "I dreamed that I was a woman and we ran into Nicolas. Do you think he's still around?"

Meryl looked scandalized. "Like as in a ghost?"

"Yeah," he replied, and she shrugged.

"I thought I heard him speak to me when I was fighting Knives," Vash admitted. "I probably would have died if it wasn't for that."

"I believe you," Meryl whispered. She turned away and started to leave.

"Wait," he called to her, and got a wicked sense of deja-vu. His dream self had wanted to tell Meryl something and had changed his mind at the last minute and requested that she help him use the bathroom instead. He wasn't going to chicken out this time, though. Besides, he wasn't a girl.

Meryl turned around and asked, "What is it?" She looked nervous, just like she had in the dream.

He slipped out from beneath the covers and got to his feet then took her hands in his. "Thanks for caring about me, Meryl... I don't think I would have survived without you."

She blushed and averted her eyes. "What are you talking about? Of course you would have--you're Vash the Stampede. Just look at all those scars you have! You've gotten out of worse scrapes before _I_ came along."

"Yeah," Vash agreed, but tilted up her chin so that her blue eyes focused on his. "But I was dying in another way altogether. And you saved me, so thank you."

She gaped at him, and he thought it made her look so cute. So he kissed her and whispered, "I love you."

**Er... Epilogue:**

"You _so_ did not cut it off right _there_ without telling me how Vash and Knives deal with their issues!" younger sis accuses.

"I did," older sis says smugly.

"I'm going to kill you! You wait like two years to finish writing this and all you come up with for an ending is 'I love you'?" The younger sister questions in outrage.

The older sister nods. "It was better than nothing wasn't it?" Besides, she thought the dream scenario sort of explained the strangeness of the story.

"You suck," the younger sister spits out at her.

Grinning, she replies, "I love you too."

The End!

**One last note: thanks everyone so much for all the reviews, and please don't stop reviewing! Thanks, blueliath.  
**


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